Deadpool: PI
by deadpoolwadw
Summary: Deadpool needs money so be becomes a Private Investigator.
1. Cheesy Factory

Deadpool PI 1# the cheesy factory

Hi, I'm Wade Winston Wilson, yeah, WWW, no, not the World Wide Web ya jackass. Don't make that joke. I'm a freelance merc, merc with a mouth. May of heard of me? May have not. Like I care. …please read my comics? Anyway, I've recently taken up the role of private investigator. This is Deadpool PI. Ooh pie.

The Office: April 20th 6:52 pm

I was enjoying the meaty goodness of a taco, in the office when a note slipped under my door. I got up spilling some beef over my top.

"# %$" I cursed licking off the meat. I hurried over to the note and started reading it,

_Dear Mr Wilson,_

_I have a case that needs investigating, I can't be seen around you otherwise I might get killed; I cannot risk that, Mr Wilson. My friend, Trent Beaver, is in charge of a cheese factory at the North side of LA, he was recently found drowned dipped in his melted cheese and placed between to crackers. I was the first person to see him, the police are thinking that it was an industrial accident but I think it was murder. Please help me Mr Wilson, you are my only hope._

_-Harry Anus_

I read the note twice over, I couldn't the first time, because I dripped some of my taco meat on it. But it was just to reread what was said really. I needed this case; the department was getting angry that I was paying my bills with Chimicangas and 1960s issues of playboy with half the pages stuck together with an unknown substance…

I walk over and grab my jacket and hat to put them on.

"LA, huh? Sounds nice."

LAX airport: April 21st 7:09 am

It's been 12 hours or something since I got the note. I caught plane an hour ago now I'm chillin' here, people are looking at me funny, might be because of my face, maybe because of the 13 tacos I've eaten. I'm writing this while on the taxi, maybe I'll survive to the motel room… We'll see.

Beaver Cheese: April 21st 9:36am

I walk into the crime scene wearing my red and black costume with red and black domino mask. People have been thinking I'm Spiderman. I've proved them wrong. Their heads are currently sitting on a rooftop somewhere. I start walking around looking for clues. A man with brown hair walks towards me

"Hey! Who're you?" He questioned me

"Wade Wilson, Private Investigator" I reply flipping out my cardboard badge, "I'm investigating the death of Mr Beaver"

The man simply nodded, "Trent Beaver junior" He states his name "I'm the new owner here, after…my father" He sighed looking down at the ground, he's a possible suspect. Has a motive.

"Where did daddy die?"

"O-Over there" He pointed to a large pot full of hot cheese

"Thanks" I state walking towards the pot. I notice a ladder over to the side and start to climb it, "% $* #& hell, where's my teleporter when I need it?" I lean over the container and put my finger inside

"YEOW!" I exclaim shooting my finger out with. It nearly burnt off. "How could he be taken out of here?" I raise a brow and look above. A large crane rests above, I smiles and look for an access point. I jump onto the arm and climb across to the cabin where I jump to the side. I look through the controls and call over the Beaver "Hey! Over here!" He jogs over

"Yeah?"

"How many people can drive this thing?"

"Most the men who work here"

"So can you?"

"Yeah, why?"

I nod my head and take out my fingerprint kit and start dusting for prints. Trent walks away again and says something on his walkie talkie. I ignore it and take pictures of the prints

"Interesting…" I say taking the notes. I continue to walk around the crime scene where I notice to large crackers with a body jammed inside

"I could say a cracker joke here…but it'd be too cheesy" I open the crackers up and a reeking smell comes from inside

"Oh god, this could kill something…" I pinch my nose shut and investigate the body. The cracker breaks and turns to crumbs

"I guess that's the way the cookie crumbles" I say coughing. The body is now covered in the dust. I run my finger through it and investigate it closly. It's not real cracker… my finger slides into my mouth and I gag

"That's…that's sawdust…" I look over the body through a magnifying glass. Through the cheese and sawdust I can briefly see a large red scar across the scalp

"Hmm…" I take a picture and draw another, I write down what I saw

"Beaver!" I call out. The man walks over and almost hurls over the body, "Who supplies your wood?"

"H&C wood supplies" He said through his hanky

"Okay" I write down the notes "Who has access to the wood here?"

"Here, I'll write down the names" He takes out a piece of paper and writes seven names down

The paper reads:

_Isaac Marksman_

_Yark Stark_

_Martin Tamor_

_Robert Smouse_

_Bill Franklin_

_Harry Anus_

_Gerald Smith_

"Any of these men hate your father?" I ask ready to cross out the names

"Oh yeah, Isaac, Martin, Harry and Gerald"

"Harry Anus?"

"Yeah"

"Can you give me an address?"

He nods and writes down the addresses of the men

"Thanks" I say taking the list and walking out the door

Anus home: April 21st 10:55

I walk to the house and knock on the door. A woman with large breasts and a revealing top opens the door, that's all I notice anyway.

"H-Hey, does Harry Anus live here?" I ask still staring at the bazookas

"Yeah, I'll get him. Harry!" She calls out moving out of the way. I walk in and a small mousy looking man walks in.

"Yeah?" He asks quietly "Oh Mr Wilson!" He says running upstairs.

"$%!+" I say chasing after him. "Get back here ya runt!" He jumps out the window latching onto a tree. I do the same but hit my head instead

"Sunava" I cry out and he starts running again. I shake it off and the chase continues. He runs through peoples gardens, I get closer in. A stick flicks up and stabs him in the arm

"OW!" He begins to cry, large streams of water drop from his small face, "You got me…" He says sobbing. I roll my eyes and grab his arm.

My motel room: April 21st 13:05

We stopped for tacos on the way and ate them in my room.

"Why didn't ya see me?" I asked raising my left eye brow, "Why'd you run?"

"I-I was scared" He stammered

"Of what?" I ordered

"Of-of Beaver"

"The kid?"

"Yeah" He nods still shaking

"He did it?"

"Y-Yeah…"

Three men smash through the motel room pointing guns at the kid and me

"Well…$#!+" I grab Harry and throw him under the bed. I reach for my katanas but am quickly shot in the arm, "Ow! That's not nice!" I jump through the window beside me and run around the side. The men raise the eye brows and look at each other confused. Perfect. I tap one on the shoulder and kick him in the face. I grab my katanas, this time no interruptions. I slash off a man's arm and kick him through the opposing window. "Take that bacon tit!" I slash another man upwards from his groin and through his head. The last one looks scared and drops his gun shooting me in the leg

"Ouch!" He punches me in the face and I drop my katana. I punch him back. He lands one in my gut. I slap him across the face and grab the other side. I smash him into the doorframe.

"Well that was uncalled for." I state and walk back inside.

The kid says "Thank you"

I nod and look over my notes, studying them carefully. One of the unconscious men walk in and plomp themselves on the chair in front of me.

"You wanna question me?" He asks

"Yeah. Who do you work for?"

"That's my business" He states leaning back

"Really? Think it's mine now, want me to chop off your arm like your buddy's?"

He becomes intimidated and scared, he starts shaking, "B-Beaver… you were too close to the truth…" I hear a gun shot outside and run out.

"What the…?" Harry lies dead in the car park with a bullet through his head.

"Nooooooo! Not him! Anyone but him!" I cry out, making a performance, bluffing, hoping Beaver will come out and admit he did it. He's the main suspect. Motive and evidence. Now I just need an alibi and he's all mine. Not literally…that's queer…ew.

Beaver Cheese: April 22nd 12:30pm

I walk into Beaver Cheese in the same out fir I wore yesterday.

"Beaver! Out here! Now." I ordered with a loud booming voice. The stupid looking man walks out innocently. Faggot. "Where were you at 12:00am 19th of April? Last Friday."

"Why I was at home making love to my sexy ass wife"

"Wife? What's her name?"

"Um… Dave"

I chuckle, "Always found you for a homo"

He clenches his fist, "Anything else?"

"can I speak to Dave?"

"N-No…"

"Why?" I ask raising a brow

"He-He's not here…"

"Where is he?"

"My father just died, Wilson! Stop playing these games!" He reaches into his pocket and grabs a 150. Calibre Magnum and aims it at my head "But me…I can play games…"

"Oh, oh after this can we play Monopoly? No…you're a business man… You'd be too good…wait… you just get everything from daddy"

My comment angered him, he pulled the trigger and shot me in the head. I dropped to the ground lifeless and some of his goons lift me up and throw me in the molten cheese. A saw dust cracker gets carted out on a forklift and I'm taken out of the cheese and placed on the wooden bed. They lower the lid over me. I become a cheese and cracker sandwich.

It took five hours but my healing factor kicked in. I feel a bit empty headed and smashed through the cracker. Three men guard my cracker and one gets stabbed by some of the wood

"Huh?" One of them say turning around, I punch him in the face. The last one looks like he's dancing to music on his headphones. I shrug and stab him in the back with a knife. He coughs up blood and drops to his knees. I shake off any excess wood and begin walking.

I put my back to the wall beside the doorframe and draw a pistol gripping the handle weakly. I kick open the door and aim it around. Inside was a man leaning over a desk and Beaver junior taking him from behind. I scrunch up my face

"That is almost disgusting…"

The men become shocked and blush. They pull up their pants and I shoot Beaver in the head

"At least I hadthe decency to wait til you had your pants up…" The other man runs out of the room flailing his arms above his head.


	2. All on Paper

Deadpool: PI #2 All on Paper

Hi, I'm Wade Winston Wilson, yeah, WWW, no, not the World Wide Web ya jackass. Don't make that joke. I'm a freelance merc, merc with a mouth. May have heard of me? May have not. Like I care. …please read my comics? Anyway, I've recently taken up the role of private investigator. This is Deadpool PI. Ooh pie.

The Office: May 1st 5:50pm

I was getting ready to pack up shop when a women with a body to die for walks into my office swaying her luscious hips.

"What's shaken bacon?" I ask raising a brow and leaning closer to her.

Her soft lips open, "My name is Veronica Finkle, recently my assistant manager at my paper company's branch was found dead, last week, I believe it was his wife but I want you to search for the killer. Please Mr Deadpool, I need your help" Her voice was soft and sweet, I almost made a mess of myself listening to her sensual voice.

"S-Sure honeybuns, lemme get my $#!+ and I'll be ready to go" I get off my chair and stumble over the leg of my desk "Ow" I say chuckling nervously and moving towards my hat and coat. I place them over me, "After you" I say so I can watch her ass shake on the way out.

The crime scene: May 1st 6:00pm

I open the door and a terrible smell enters the air. I scrunch up my face and begin searching. I look over the body and investigate the head. There was a large red and purple mark underneath his messy brown hair, I look closer, it's from a blunt object.

"Aha!" I announce and click open the boot. Inside was: Women's clothing, a tyre and a lead pipe with blood on the head. I pick up the women's clothes and shove the panties and bra down my pants. I then move to the tyre and take it out, I bounce it on the ground twice and roll it away. I then look back in and investigate the lead pipe.

"Hmm…Bob c'mere" My green and gold friend walks over looking as stupid as always, I hand him the pipe "take that to the lab and see it it's the same as the victim's blood."

My idiot side-kick nods stupidly, takes the pipe and runs off to the lab. I roll my eyes, have I mentioned how stupid he is? Anyway I start looking around again and open the glove compartment, a stick of lipstick rolls out, I investigate it closer, Lornix. Was our man a cross-dresser? Or was it his wife's? Or another babe all together?

I put the stick in a zip-lock bag and move away. I walk back towards Veronica and start interviewing her.

"So… how was your relationship with Tim?" I ask prepared to take notes

"It was well for boss and worker" Veronica answered

"Maybe a little too well? What brand of lipstick do you use?" I continued to interrogate the beautiful woman

"Lornix" She replied calmly. It was the same brand I found in the glove compartment.

"Did you have a sexual relationship with Timbo?"

"I…Uh…Are you implying that he cheated on his wife with me?" She asked nervously

"Yeah"

"Well..um…Yes" She sighed deeply and looked down

"and I'm thinking that's why he got the promotion?"

She nodded still looking at the ground

"Maybe one of ya workers did it?"

She looked up back at me, "We kept it very quiet, no one knew we disguised it… there are two men that might have noticed…"

"I need names!"

She sighs and opens her lips again "Peter Darker and Mohammed Lee"

"Addresses?"

She tells me the address and I finish off my notes.

Garfield residence: May 2nd 8:33am

It was time I visited the wife of thje victim, give her the information. I walked to the door and knocked loudly "Yo! People! Gotta talk!"

A medium sized Mexican with a small moustache opens to door, "Yeah?"

I look close to the stache "Dude, that looks so cool, I've been growing one myself, wanna see?" I flip up the bottom of my red, black and white mask revealing my upper-lip. The man makes a disgusted face.

"What do ya want amigo?"

"Hey do you guys got tacos here? Running a little low…"

He rolls his eyes and slams the door in my face. I knock again. He opens.

"Yeah?" He said with an annoyed look on his face. I know this look, I get it a few times a day…

"Is this where Tim Garfield lives? Well… not anymore" I ask raising my brow

"Tim's dead? Well about time someone killed that *# $^ %" He replied with a slight smile

"You don't look that upset… and who said anything about him dying?"

"I don't exactly like the guy, not much do, he may have good looks but the mans an asshole"

I nod "Is the woman of the house home?"

"Yeah, hold on. Maria!" He calls out, a beautiful Latina woman walks down the stairs in a short dress and make-up.

"Yes?" She asks in her high pitched voice

"I'm Deadpool, private investigator. Why are you so dressed up?"

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home, he's taking me out to dinner"

"He's not coming home. Someone beat his brains in"

She fainted and rolled down the rest of the stairs. The man rushed over and patted her face softly trying to wake her up.

"Tickle her arm pits, usually works"

"What?" He asked with a confused yet frustrated face

I rolled my eyes and tickled her arm pits. Her face changed slightly, she tried not to giggle but couldn't contain herself. She exploded in laughter. I smiled and took out my hand-cuffs.

"I gotcha" I laughed and linked the cuffs over her wrists tightly

"Hey! I ain't done nothing!" She exclaimed strongly. The man punches me in the face, "Jose!" She called out to him "He's got weapons!"

I shake the punch of quickly, it's nothing, I've been head-to-head with the hulk more than once and came out still standing… most the time. I hit him back punching his nose and punching him through a wall. I cuff him and throw them both in the car. My phone starts to ring

_And I'm hungry like the woooolf_

"Yellow, Wade Wilson, PI, Merc with a mouth, wazzup?"

"Mr Wilson, it's Me, Bob, Agent of Hydra, Hydra Bob, your side-kick. Weasel has the report on the pipe. Better come here at once" The mousy voice on the other side speaks

"Thanks Bobby"

_Beep_

The Weasel hole: May 2nd 9:40am

I walk through the door, Bob is pacing as usual. Pussy. I walk through to the lab and weasel is playing Space Invaders on his computer

"Weas!" I announce on arrival. He quickly switches a tab to a XXX website and shoots around.

"Wade." He says rising from his chair and walking over to a table with the lead pipe on top.

"What have you got?"

"It's the same blood, A positive. DNA's the same, the object that hit him. It checks out, interview the other two and come back here, buddy"

"Two things Weas: I am not your buddy, we've been over this, we're not buds, pals, friends. You make stuff and I use them. Second thing: You don't boss me around."

I storm out of the house and jump in the car. I start it up and arrive at the workplace.

Daper's Paper: May 1st 10:02am

I walk into the office and grab the suspects by the collar and start dragging them into my car.

"Both of you shut the *$# up and sit tight."

They nod scared

"You both know about Tim Garfield and your bosses affair?"

They nod again

"Which one of you %#*%#$* killed Tim?"

They both look at eachother

"Tim's dead?" The Arabian asks raising a brow and look back at me

"Yeah, Tims dead. Now I want one of you to fess up or I'm going to torture and eventually kill you unless one of you guys tell me who did it!" I ordered them

"I know who did it…I was there" The other spoke up "Three people, two women and a man, the man and a woman looked Mexican, the woman was… Our boss, Veronica Finkle"

"You are?"

"Peter Darker" He stated.

"Thanks boys" I pull up and throw both men out of the car.

Finkle's house: May 2nd 10:27am

I walk up the lane way. It's a nicely decorated place. Light shade of blue reaching to the roof. Double glade windows, large double door and double storied. Guess you can call her a two timer. I knock on the door and a large masculine man opens the door.

"Yes?" He says in a deep voice

"Mr Finkle?" I ask raising my brow

"Yeah."

"Veronica Finkle's hubby?"

"Yeah."

"Bud, she's been cheating on you-" Before I can finish he grabs around my face in his huge bear hands, clearly he doesn't notice my weapons and free hands, I flip out a gun and shoot him in the knee.

"I was simply going to talk about her, and what the %(#* is happening! Clearly you take it too far!" I kick him in the head and he hits the doorframe "She killed a man!" I kick him again and he coughs out blood

"Hos-pital" He groans weakly

"Why the %#$ would I do that? I'm a guest in your home and you treat me like a frog in the desert, is that a good analogy? Yeah, sounds good… did we just say analogy? What does that even mean?"

"Ergh shut the %$*# up!" He yells and grabs my gonads

"OW! That's not nice at all buddy, sure, a little kinky but not nice." I kick him in the head and smashes his head on the doorframe knocking him out. I rub my crotch and walk upstairs to see the sexy woman half naked and putting stuff in her suitcase

"Going somewhere babe?" I ask taking out a katana

"Mr Wilson!" She exclaims covering her chest, "This is extremely rude!"

"Save the act bitch" I launch forward and kick her in the face "Oh and nice tits" I kick her again and stab her leg "Confess!" I order

"Fine… I did it… me and his wife and brother In-law…"

"Thanks for the pay babe" I shoot her through the skull and stop the recorder. I snap off her bra and take a picture of her breasts. I walk off and get in the car.

The office: May 2nd 1:30pm

I drive back to the office and walk inside, the two criminals are tied up and gagged.

"So, you kids been having fun?" I ask laughing "I know what you've been up to… it's not very nice" I take out my katana and wipe off the blood from my sword "You know I specialise in killing… you don't. Clearly you don't." I swipe my sword across the man's leg "I mean, you guys suck, why not just hurt me? I would have done so much better than you little rats. The only good things you Mexicant's can do is make food, I mean without that you guys could just leave…oh maybe you guys do have a good accent and sexy moustaches" I cut off their heads swiftly "But who really cares about them? Oh…I do…"


End file.
